Need Some Relief

I know it's been forever.  I also don't expect anyone to see this as my followers have probably long ago left.  I just needed someplace that I could release some emotions.  I'm having a really hard time staying positive right now.  This year has definitely been a trial but I am still reminded each day that my life is pretty spectacular and I end up having such warring emotions inside. 

These are my babies.  I love them so incredibly much.  They're full of such life, energy, love & mischievousness.  I can't help but wonder what the others would have been like.  Would they have been just like their brother and sister?  I remember each of their due dates and must now add another to the list.  And although I'm in pain, I can't help but appreciate those two that much more.  They're already spoiled rotten, but I just want to hold them close and never let go.

I had to call the doctor today to change my already scheduled prenatal visit to a postpartum follow-up.  It's not the first time I've had to make that phone call but I pray it will be the last.  The worst part is that I feel like I jinxed myself.  Last week, I helped a struggling friend who had just suffered the loss of her pregnancy.  The whole while, all I could think was how I would break the news to her that I am pregnant.  Ironically, just a couple days later, I no longer have to struggle to find an answer.  Meanwhile, I get a notification on my phone.  It's such a beautiful picture of a friend, sending out a 'baby bump' picture.  She's excited.  It's her first child.  She wants to share it with the world.  In the mail, I receive a baby shower invitation for a separate friend.  Daycare sends out a notice that they're baby room waiting list is filling up.  It seems like every other mom there is pregnant.  I can't help but feel as though I am getting slapped in the face repeatedly.

I know life will go on and I know the pain will begin to be bearable.  Already I feel as though I am dealing with this loss better than the others.  I just needed some relief.  One day soon I will be getting a tattoo to commemorate all my children but until then, I love you my babies!

01/13/2009  07/06/2010  02/12/2012  07/11/2013  10/25/2016  11/23/2016  02/22/2017

**The last miscarriage occurred after my initial post and then we were blessed with another beautiful baby girl.