I know it's been forever. I also don't expect anyone to see this as my followers have probably long ago left. I just needed someplace that I could release some emotions. I'm having a really hard time staying positive right now. This year has definitely been a trial but I am still reminded each day that my life is pretty spectacular and I end up having such warring emotions inside.
These are my babies. I love them so incredibly much. They're full of such life, energy, love & mischievousness. I can't help but wonder what the others would have been like. Would they have been just like their brother and sister? I remember each of their due dates and must now add another to the list. And although I'm in pain, I can't help but appreciate those two that much more. They're already spoiled rotten, but I just want to hold them close and never let go.
I had to call the doctor today to change my already scheduled prenatal visit to a postpartum follow-up. It's not the first time I've had to make that phone call but I pray it will be the last. The worst part is that I feel like I jinxed myself. Last week, I helped a struggling friend who had just suffered the loss of her pregnancy. The whole while, all I could think was how I would break the news to her that I am pregnant. Ironically, just a couple days later, I no longer have to struggle to find an answer. Meanwhile, I get a notification on my phone. It's such a beautiful picture of a friend, sending out a 'baby bump' picture. She's excited. It's her first child. She wants to share it with the world. In the mail, I receive a baby shower invitation for a separate friend. Daycare sends out a notice that they're baby room waiting list is filling up. It seems like every other mom there is pregnant. I can't help but feel as though I am getting slapped in the face repeatedly.
I know life will go on and I know the pain will begin to be bearable. Already I feel as though I am dealing with this loss better than the others. I just needed some relief. One day soon I will be getting a tattoo to commemorate all my children but until then, I love you my babies!
01/13/2009 07/06/2010 02/12/2012 07/11/2013 10/25/2016 11/23/2016 02/22/2017
**The last miscarriage occurred after my initial post and then we were blessed with another beautiful baby girl.
**The last miscarriage occurred after my initial post and then we were blessed with another beautiful baby girl.
